Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.