Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I was bored.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex