Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
the Monday after daylight savings
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*