20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.