gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My what?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*