This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Erm…
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours