Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Found my door mat
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?