a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?