I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women