Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
road rage
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*