Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Meowchelangelo
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The pasta is now
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right