My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You Might Also Like
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.