IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?