he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.