just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
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i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.