We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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dutch is not a serious language
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome