Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I mean…but I did
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years