I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?