I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
c’mon!
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Batman v Dracula
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.