At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’d love this…lol
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand