She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Good boy 😂😂
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.