Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
*bites zombie*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
me doing my best
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.