I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
This kid will have a bright future.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared