i actually laughed š©
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I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who donāt finish what they start
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. Iām surrounded by fakes
iām not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldnāt have gave it to me
Itās exciting to receive a Valentineās Day card and not know who itās from. A Fatherās Day card, not so much.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My 2-year old son wears a āJurassic Parkā t-shirt like heās some big fan but I know for a fact heās never seen it.
Donāt be a poser bro
My friend Luke didnāt realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: Itās easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, Iāll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I would be awful at debating Iād be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time