Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!