Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”