you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
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Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Mmmm canned fish.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*