[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
The Backseat Boys
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets