A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
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If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me driving through Toronto
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Why are bridges so flammable.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.