Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
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2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
lmfao come on
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.