The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!