When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.