First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”