I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic