The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
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My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.