*aggressively waits in line*
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’m not lazy
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.