My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”