Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
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A new level of troll.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My Guy
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon