[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.