1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
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It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Jail
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory