“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.