Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
RT if you could go either way.
this could fix me
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay