I would love to ker-sploosh this.
You Might Also Like
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Dolls on drugs
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.