[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.