Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
the noise i just made
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Thrilling chase underway
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar