I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
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Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*