One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
You Might Also Like
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: