My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.