This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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“and how does that make you feel?”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Cats (2019)
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.