life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
he’s doing your taxes
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.